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Ancient Shaggy Dogs? (Old Humor)

Early Shaggy Dog Story Discovered

A team of archaeologists working for Edinburgh University's Department of Caustical Humours has unearthed an ancient joke of the Hebridean Island of Islay.

Described by excavation leader, Professor Darwin Jackson, as "a fine early example of an early shaggy dog story", the joke is currently undergoing analysis in archaeological laboratories in Edinburgh.

A further announcement is expected shortly.

From: DCH
Newsgroups: soc.culture.scottish
Subject: Ancient Joke Found
Date: Sat, 9 May 1998

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Shaggy Dog Story - Early Text

The following text has been approved by the Department of Caustical Humours.

Old Angus the Gael turns fifty at last. It was depressing indeed, he felt, to be so old. So he decides to get a face lift.

Off he goes to his quack and gets the operation. After it's over he looks in the mirror, and - wow! - he looks triffic, great, just like a bloke of thirty. Old Angus is thrilled to bits, and off he goes down the road to try out his new physog on the waiting world.

First he nips into a shop to buy 20 Rothmans. "Hey, luv" he says to the shopwoman, "How old do you think I am?" "O, I wouldn't like to say, m' dear. Thirty maybe?" "I'm fifty if I'm a day!" "'Kinnell, that's amazing!" And off he trots.

Next, he toddles into MacDonald's to get some scran. "Hey, luv" he says to the serving wench, "How old do you think I am?" "Er, do you want small fries with that or what?" "No, I said 'How old am I'?" "Thirty maybe?" "I'm fifty if I'm a day!" "Kinnell, that's amazing!" And off he trots again.

Professor Darwin Jackson will announce the final details of the joke in a special lecture at the David Hume Tower later today.

From: DCH
Newsgroups: soc.culture.scottish
Subject: Re: Ancient Joke Found
Date: Sat, 9 May 1998

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Jackson Fans Flames of Joke Controversy

Once again, fierce controversy has set a blazing torch to the sleepy groves of academe. And again, at the heart of the inferno stands Darwin Jackson, Professor Emeritus of Caustical Humours at the University of Edinburgh.

Jackson, the firebrand of the Scottish intellectual establishment, unveiled today part of an ancient joke, unearthed on a remote Hebridean Isle. The discovery, made on Islay, is fraught with controversy, with several leading American based ivy-league fops contesting its authenticity.

The spark that set the fire raging is Jackson's post-modern interpretation of essential aspects of the quip. It is rumoured that the joke has at its core the notion of an ancient man having a face-lift. American critics, led by Dr Tex MacPhisheries, have scoffed at the idea, suggesting that it is ahistorical, and proves that the joke is little more than a fraud.

Yesterday Jackson sort to extinguish his critics, flopping a damp tea-cloth over the chip-pan fire of argument. At a hastily convened press conference in a lecture room of the David Hume Tower, he assured the world that the jape would be held up to the strictest scrutiny.

Standing with only one hand resting on his desk for support, Jackson explained his approach to more contentious areas of the joke.

"People tend to think of a facelift as modern idea, but it isn't. Though we have few pictures of our ancestors, from written accounts we know that it's probable that they painted their bodies and faces, and often they would keep them the same colour for years." He paused to take a sip of a small glass of a golden brown liquid. "So imagine some geezer has had a plum-coloured face for forty odd years, and then he washes it off? Just like a facelift, or what?"

This brilliant analysis concluded, Jackson revealed that an authorised text of the first half of the joke would be available soon.

In separate announcement relating to his world famous "All Jokes are Scottish" thesis (see Deja News, passim), Jackson revealed that the question "What's got twenty two legs but can't climb a ladder?" was not originally asked of Lancastrian carthorses, Blackburn Rovers, but was first applied to the Heart of Midlothian FC, ages ago.

From: Daily Record
Newsgroups: soc.culture.scottish
Subject: Re: Ancient Joke Found
Date: Sat, 9 May 1998

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David Hume disputes the existence of the joke.

A joke is a violation of the laws of nature; and as a firm and unalterable experience has established these laws, the proof against a joke, from the nature of the fact, is as entire as any argument from experience can possibly be imagined. Why is it more than probable, that all men must die; than lead cannot, of itself, remain suspended in the air; that fire consumes wood, and is extinguished by water; unless it be, that these events are found agreeable to the laws of nature, and there is required a violation of these laws, or in other words a joke to distract them? Nothing is esteemed a joke, if it ever happen in the common course of nature. It is no joke that a man, seemingly in good health, should die of a sudden: because such a kind of death, though unusual than any other, has yet been frequently seen to happen. But it is a joke , that a dead man come to life; because that has never been observed in any age or country. There must therefore be a uniform experience against every humourous event, otherwise the event would not merit the appellation. And as a uniform experience amounts to a proof, there is direct and full proof, from the nature of the fact, against the existence of any joke; nor can a proof be destroyed, or the joke rendered credible, but by an opposite proof, which is superior.

From: Bryn Fraser
Newsgroups: soc.culture.scottish
Subject: Re: Ancient Joke Found
Date: Sat, 9 May 1998

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